


Ode To Sleep

by DarkLacrymosa



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blood and Gore, But then again I might also kill off Virgil, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, I just made it like really dark though, Im like the worst writer ever, M/M, Oh dear lord the angst in this i kinda feel bad hha no i dont, Past Abuse, Rewrite, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tbh im just straight up taking out all my anger on virgil, Thats if i update at all actually, This is kinda crap oh well, Touch-Starved, Verbal Abuse, You know making him suffer, or maybe not who knows, updates will not be regular
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 12:36:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19229278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkLacrymosa/pseuds/DarkLacrymosa
Summary: REWRITE OF "YOU CANT SAVE PEOPLE YOU CAN ONLY LOVE THEM" same plot just written because that one was freaking crap.Virgil is a mess. He always wears his hoodie, making sure the sleeves don't fall off, hiding from the other sides, who always said they loved Virgil.But how much of that did Virgil actually believe?Maybe it isn't too late to realise mistakes and fix them, and help those who are broken.Or maybe it is too late....A/N: contains very graphic scenes of self harm! Possibly suicide attempts in the future! I don't actually know! Check tags! Stay alive my frens |-/





	1. How could you cry for me ?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey people! It's the rewrite I said I'd do. (yes I wrote this within a day. Yes. The same day I came up with the idea of re-writing this)  
> I did this whilst listening to Listen Before I Go by Billie Elish and I think it kinda impacted what I was doing. Oh well!
> 
> As always, sorry for any mistakes - spelling or grammar - and I hope you enjoy!  
> Give me feedback in the comments, constructive criticism is always great to get! :)  
> (but seriously be constructive or you'll just make me sad)  
> -  
> DarkLacrymosa

Virgil was a mess. 

 

Anyone could have told you that, just from how he sounded, not even looking at the crimson liquid that ran down his skinny arms. Now, anyone else would have asked for help, if they had such deep cuts across their arms but not Virgil. The anxious side wouldn't dream of asking the other sides for help. Not that he'd be able to in this state, anyway. 

 

**Worthless.**

**Burden.**

**Disorder.**

**You aren't wanted.**

**Cutcutcut die die**  

**You don't deserve to live.**

**Unlovable.**

**Annoying.**  

**Disgusting.**

**Afflicti** -

_Shutupshutupshut upSHUTUP_

**No. You know what would make me shut up though?**  

 _No no no no NO_. 

 **Do it. And I'll be quiet**. 

Breathing hitching and uneven, Virgil desperately tried to ignore the cutting voices that taunted him. Unaware that the knife he was holding was getting dangerously close to his arm, he was forgetting his breathing exercises as he slowly slipped into hyperventilating so bad he didn't think he was actually breathing at all anymore. 

**Oops! We should be paying attention here. You're going to stain the sheets. Blood doesn't come off. It's permanent. Annoying. No one wants blood on their sheets.**

 

 **Just like no-one wants you**. 

Virgil was jerked back to reality, a sharp silver knife dug deep into his arm. 

"Fuckfuckfuck!" he cried, with his remaining breath, as he pulled the knife out his flesh, and watched as the blood spilt down everywhere. The pain flared up and the voices, echoing through his head were silenced in glee of what he'd done to himself. Not that Virgil really cared. The pain was calmimg him, in a horrible twisted way. Strange, really. He should be panicking about the amount of blood - there really was a lot. It was forming a crimson puddle around him on his bed and dripping down to the floor staining the sheets as it did. _Shit_. That cut was pretty deep as well. 

 

That really would stain the sheets. Oh well. It wasn't like he slept anyway. Ha! What was sleep? 

 

Virgil could feel his heart hammering in his chest his breathing slower but still not slow enough that he was getting enough oxygen. 

**Look what you've done! You -**

_Shut up, shut up I don't care what you think JUST SHUT UP I DID WHAT YOU WANTED. SHUT UP!_

The voice said nothing, but Virgil didn't relax. He was too busy trying to calm down and stem the flow of blood from his arm. 

He might be a cutter but he didn't want to die. Not yet. 

_Oh god. What if I hit a vein? Oh god. I don't want to die._

His anxiety spiked at the idea of leaving the other sides to deal with the mess he'd made. He didn't want to leave the people he loved with his bloody body to deal with, not to mention the effect of the absence of anxiety on Thomas would cause. The other sides didn't care for him, but Thomas needed him so he had to stay. 

 

Virgil's breathing had slowed enough now for him to drag in oxygen to his starved lungs. God, what was he going to do now? 

 

"oh god oh god. You've got to be fucking kidding me." Virgil suddenly swore. Thomas was summoning him. And he couldn't resist! He felt himself beginning to sink out and panicking, he tried to grab his hoodie but missed, his movements slowed and clumsy from blood loss. 

He rose up in front of the other sides and didn't even get a single word out before he collapsed, legs too weak to support the trembling man. 

 

"Oh my god! He's bleeding! Virgil, can you hear m-" 

Virgil didn't hear anymore, because he was falling into a world of shadows as he fainted. 

 

Well, this didn't look too good for him. 

 

 

 


	2. Friend, please remove your hands over your eyes for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil wakes up, as the sides are having a talk about what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Chapter two is here! Comment and tell me what you think please! I love getting comments :)  
> Happy pride months to y'all, LGBTQA+ or not!
> 
> Warning for mentions of self harm, self doubt and swearing!  
> Stay safe frens! |-/   
> -  
> DarkLacrymosa :)

 

" _How_ did we not realise? God, this must have been going on for years! Years, Thomas. And we didn't notice! We're horrible friends, just assuming he was okay because he told us his name." 

"Patton, I am sure it was not just our mistake of leaving Virgil. I promise you, it was not your fault." 

"Roman? Can - can you check on him?" Patton's voice broke and he sniffed as he suppressed tears. 

"I-what? Sorry - I um, zoned out for a moment there…" 

Roman's head snapped up from where he'd been staring into space for about 10 minutes, next to Virgil who was apparently asleep. His t-shirt was bloody, but they hadn't wanted to change it, in case he woke up and sank out in panic. " Yeah… Sorry Pat, he's still out - I think - maybe - we should change the bandages? It looks like it's bleeding again.. I - don't know why he'd do this!" Roman suddenly burst out "Those cuts are so deep it was as if he was trying to _kill_ himself! I don't - it's -" 

"Roman. Calm down. Virgil will be okay in time, I promise. We didn't help him soon enough but we can help him now! Right? Right Logan, he'll be fine soon?" Thomas said, looking hopeful. 

"I would like to think we can help him… but it is doubtful he will be completely better soon. It will probably take a long time." Logan said, adjusting his glasses - this was something the others had figured had he did when he was upset - ((a/n: that ain't real I made it up btw ha)) and looking apologetic. Thomas's face fell and he looked away. 

How could they all have failed Virgil so badly? 

 

**********************************

 

"-it is doubtful he will be completely better soon. It will probably take a long time." 

Virgil woke up very confused. Why was he on Thomas's couch? Why was he cold? Wait. 

_I'm not wearing my hoodie. Or long sleeves. Just a t-shirt._

_I'm. Not. Wearing. My. Hoodie. And the other sides are near me._

_Oh, god_ , he thought as everything came back to him. The panic attack, accidentally cutting too deep, being summoned and passing out like a weakling. Dammit. So the other sides now knew about all the cutting, and the panic attacks Virgil had hidden from them. And now they were talking about him while he was unconscious - clearly still thinking he wasn't awake. 

"I still feel like this is my fault though. I'm a horrible father figure! Dads are supposed to see what's wrong with their kids and fix it! I'm the oldest side, I should've seen what was happening" Patton sniffled, sounding like he was holding back tears.

_SHIT I made Patton cry im a horrible person_ - 

**Of course you're a horrible person. They wouldn't have shut you out otherwise. All this crying is just shock, because they don't want you to die because that will cause damage to Thomas. Which is the only reason they're going to try to help you now.**

_No, Patton really does like me, he said so!_  

**He's nice to everyone. Even the dark sides. Like Deceit. You know what Deceit's like, don't you? You've got the scars to prove it. And if he can be nice to Deceit, then he can fake kindness to you.**  

_I- i guess i just wanted a family. And people to like me. I don't understand why they always lie to me though -_  

"Virgil? Are - are you awake? I'm sorry - I didn't realise-" Roman was looking down at Virgil, concern evident in his wide, red eyes. 

_Was he crying? Over me?_

"Sorry! I swear I'm so so, so sorry I never - i thought - I'm sorry!" Roman burst out, just before Logan, Thomas and Patton came over. 

"Virgil. You're awake. I think it's time we had a little talk about what's been going on, yes?" Logan said, smiling at Virgil, who immediately felt sick. 

 

_Oh god. This is really not good._

 


	3. I'm so afraid of what you have to say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sides have a little talk with Virgil and he sinks out after this. It appears a dark side has appeared, but who?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I RETURN.  
> I don't know how long it's been since my last update, but all I know is it's been too long.  
> I haven't really had any time for writing lately, but I managed to write this in several stages (a lot more than several but whatever) I'm not completely happy with this chapter, but I don't know how I can improve it or change what I've done, so I've settled for this version!  
> As always, sorry for any mistakes, and comments and kudos are always welcome! Even if you want to tell me my work's complete and utter shit, then do so! As long as you give me tips on how to improve.  
> Other than that, I don't care what you comment!  
> :)  
> Hope you enjoy  
> Tw for mentions of self harm!  
> Stay alive frens! |-/  
> -  
> DarkLacrymosa

"I- what do you - why?" Virgil stammered. His heart was racing, fear over what his friends and the person he loved would think of his stupid, reckless actions. If he wasn't so stupid, maybe they could all be getting things done and being productive instead of wasting time on him. Logan glanced at the other sides, looking unsure. Emotions really _weren't_ his strong point. 

"Kiddo, we're just worried about you! This isn't healthy, and we just wanna help you, that's all!" Patton smiled nervously at the anxious side. They were all being incredibly wary of what they said, afraid a single word would set Virgil off. They were, of course, right to be wary of what to say. 

" Yes. Virgil, I know we have failed you this time but we can assist you now. If you let us, of course. Patton is right, we do care about you." Logan said earnestly, smiling reassuringly at his friend. 

"Really?" Virgil turned to face Logan, venom coating his tone. Ignoring the voices that screamed:  **No, what are you doing? You're going to make it worse they hate you anyway**  

_It doesn't matter_

_But you're_ - 

 **Hated. Unlovable. Block them out. They'll be glad they can stop pretending they love you**. 

"Don't act like you care, Logic. Don't act like you know me. Because you don't! None of you know the first damn thing about me, and I'm fed up of all of you! Deceit was right, he was right about all the light sides!" Virgil's voice eventually rose to shout. He hadn't even been provoked. Or rather, maybe he wasn't angry. Just doing what he usually did. Trying to intidate and scare the sides into not wanting to know anything and staying away from the youngest side. 

" D-deceit? Honey, what are you talking about?" Patton exchanged a glance with the others - they knew virgul had lived with Deceit and the dark sides before coming to them, but they didn't know much about it. Except that, whatever had happened had clearly hurt Virgil. Badly.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter. It's in the past and you wouldn't care anyway. So don't ask!." Virgil defended himself against further questions. 

"Virgil! We just want to help you!" Roman pleaded.

"Oh, really? Help me then! How the fuck do you think you're gonna help me?" 

"We can correct the mistakes we've made - we'll never just brush you off again! We love you Virgil and it hurts to see you like this. It hurts to see those scars on your arms. If you could just listen to us, then -" Patton started before Virgil cut him off. 

"No. You - you don't care! I know, i know you don't care because you - none of you have ever come to me when I've wanted help before! You remember the 12 days of Christmas video? Supposedly my first Christmas with you? It wasn't. It wasn't. My first Christmas with you was before that, before I locked myself in my room. I got you all a present, and none of you even _ACKNOWLEDGED_ me. YOU PRETENDED I WASN'T THERE. YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE THAT! TILL YOU FIGURED OUT I WAS NEEDED, BUT YOU DONT ACTUALLY LOVE ME, YOU JUST NEED ME!" Virgil's shouting dropped to a whisper. " if there was a way to get rid of me without hurting Thomas, you would!" 

Thomas, who had been silent throughout this, spoke up.

"Verge, If there was a way to get rid of you, none of us would do it. EVER. I love you, you're different but in a great way! I don't care if you're negative, or if you make me too anxious sometimes - because I'll deal with anxiety to have you around! And your negativity gives us all another view, and it's amazing." Virgil froze, and Thomas took this opportunity to continue. " I do care, Verge. I swear. I would never lie to you." 

" No." Virgil's voice was shaking." That - that would mean everything _he_ said was a lie - and I can't - you -" his voice trailed off.. And then his head snapped up and he spoke, hoarsely, trying to calm his breathing. " im sorry, I can't - you - why, why do you care for ME? _WHY?_ " when he got no immediate response he started to sink out.

" Verge no! Get back here!" Thomas lunged but V was already gone. Then the host's expression went blank and then lit up. 

"What? LOGAN! There you are! Wow. What happened to virgil? Oh, yeah… We Should leave him alone for a bit.. I think.." Thomas said, his tone bright. 

"Thomas - what?" 

"Do you fear death?" Roman butted in, feeling sick. 

"Death? I mean - I don't think so?" Thomas grinned. "Nope! I don't! I don't fear death, I don't fear death!" he sang. The remaining sides groaned. Virgil had ducked out again. 

"We've got to get him back! Why would he sink out now? And he knows it'll hurt Thomas?" Roman said, confused. 

From behind them, there came a low, evil laugh. 

"Oh my dears, you do have a lot to learn about Virgil, don't you?" 

 


	4. It's Not True...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deceit appears, Virgil is gone and Deceit proceeds to be helpful in a maddeningly unhelpful way..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy!  
> I meant for this to be a long chapter, but ya girl is not a good writer. So.   
> Short chapter written over several days because writer's block sure is a bitch. 
> 
> I'm also working on chapters for some of my other fanfictions, so. But it is the summer holidays now, so hopefully I'll have way more time to write and that's more updates!  
> Comments and kudos are appreciated!  
> Enjoy the chapter, and as always, apologies for any mistakes /inaccuracies/things that don't make sense.   
> -  
> DarkLacrymosa

"Oh, my dears you have a lot to learn about Virgil, don't you?" A smooth, sickening voice floated in, and the other sides froze. They all knew that voice. 

_Deceit_. 

 

Lies, deceit, trickery, ambitions, Deceit was all of these. He had the ambition for Thomas, but would not go about it in a nice way. Never. He'd want to achieve dreams anyway possible: even if it meant going against what Thomas thought was right. Lying to his friends - people who trusted him so he could be elsewhere. Stealing from people if he didn't have the money and Deceit deemed it acceptable. Appearing when he wasn't wanted and shutting out the voices of the other sides. 

Maybe Deceit thought what he did was right, but Thomas certainly didn't like it, or him. 

"Deceit! What the hell are you doing here? Get out!" Roman growled. He had no patience to deal with the snake, especially after the Dark Side had revealed to:

  1. Be a permanent part of Thomas 
  2. Knew Remus, and probably hung out with him
  3. Have hurt Virgil in some way 
  4. Have psychologically damaged Virgil in some way
  5. Was just, in general, a huge dick.



 

"Oh, Roman. You know I will never leave. And I'm just trying to help you! I know more about your precious Virgil's past than all of you put together, so you really could benefit from listening to me."

"You'll lie! I know you will, it doesn't matter that you can tell the truth- you'll choose to lie and make this situation worse." Roman cried. He hadn't really moved since Virgil had sunk out, except to look up at Deceit with wide, scared eyes. He hadn't been the same since they'd found out about Remus, scared they would all hate him for hiding something like that. As if they would - but all the main sides had insecurites and reasons to believe the others could hate them. Logan feared how he didn't understand emotions and rejection because of it , Patton feared being told he was just stupid and everyone getting fed up of him, and Virgil - well, Virgil had the most reason to fear the others reaction to his true self. 

 

"I've just come to tell you that - Thomas. What is up with Thomas?" Deceit turned to stare, bemused at their host, who was sitting, grinning on the couch eating muesli, and spilling it everywhere. 

"What is up with me? Oh, nothing."

"Where is Virgil?" the Dark Side demanded. "Where. Is. Virgil?" 

"He's - he's ducked out again -" Logan managed. 

"Oh, dear. What a shame. You'd think he would've learnt not to, after last time." Smirking, he walked around to their host and crouched in front of him. 

"You know, what happened to little Virgil is all Thomas's fault. All of it! And this time, I've the sense not to lie. This is the truth."

"Nothing is Thomas's fault! We didn't know, yet you clearly do!" Patton said tearfully. 

"Patton is correct. You are a side of Thomas, so we cannot get rid of you. You can, however, provide valuable information. You live with other Dark Sides - Remus, for example - and we know that Virgil did in fact live with you for a while." Logan looked the side in the eyes. "Virgil has told us - or told Thomas, really, - but Virgil has told us this. And other things he's said lead me to believe you hold a part in what has happened with Virge."

"Logan, I praise your brains in figuring all this out, but it's really too late. He doesn't trust you. And he never will. I made sure of that. Now, I _really_ must go, I left Remus alone in the Dark Side's part of Thomas's mind and that is never a good idea. Ever!" he spun around to face Roman and smiled. "I know what you think and feel, Prince. _It will never happen._ " he cackled and sank out. 

"No! Wait!" Logan cried out and tried to grab the snakey side to pull him back, but he was too late. "Dammit! That's just maddeningly unhelpful! He can't even be clear on what he means! Roman, what did he mean by what he said to you?" 

"It - it's nothing - doesn't matter, honestly." Roman answered jerkily. 

"Ro, don't hide things from us Kiddo." Patton attempted to coax the truth out of him. 

"Padre, I promise to you, there is nothing to worry about! It was simply a jab at Remus and I's relationship, and isn't important." Princey smiled. He was, after all, ~~not okay~~ completely fine. 

 

 

 


	5. It will all fade away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil sinks out to his room, has a panic attack. Deceit appears and says some not very nice things. WARNING FOR - Self Harm, mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, mentioned/implied past abuse, thinking about suicide, blood, knives, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, self hatred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY it has been a LONG time since I've added a chapter! I have literally no excuse, so have this shitty chapter that ends on a cliffhanger  
> WARNING FOR - Self Harm, mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, mentioned/implied past abuse, thinking about suicide, blood, knives, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, self hatred.  
> STAY SAFE FRENS  
> Comment and tell me what you think, kudos are also appreciated!  
> Sorry for all and any inaccuracies or mistakes whether they be grammar or spelling or just plot holes .  
> -  
> DarkLacrymosa, a terrible writer with no excuse for her horrible update schedule.

Breathing unsteadily, Virgil curled up under several thick blankets on his bed. Everything hurt. The cuts on his arm throbbed and his chest burned as he suppressed sobs and tried hopelessly to drag in much needed breaths of air. He couldn't. He couldn't breathe. Oh god, he couldn't breathe! 

_Breathe in for 4 seconds_

_Hold for 7 seconds_

_Breathe out for 8 seconds_

_Come on, you can do it._

_Breath in for 4 seconds_

_Hold for 7 seconds_

_Breath out for 8 seconds_

_Fuck, fuck it wasn't working_! 

He wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth the others concern. Didn't they know how much he hurt Thomas? No matter what little good he could do, every single bad thing he'd done outweighed that. Thomas didn't need to overthink everything! He didn't need the panic attacks! The constant paranoia!

And yet here Virgil was, giving him all of those. 

 _Oh god, how horrible can I be? They can't care for whatever the fuck I am._  

"They could replace you so easily, Virgil dear." a slimy voice said from the darkness in the corner of his room. 

"Logan could see the potential danger that you usually predict. Roman could take over control fight or flight - he's good at fight. Patton would be overjoyed he doesn't have to pretend he loves you. Thomas would be relieved without the anxiety." Deceit slid his gloved fingers under Virgil's chin, lifting the blankets away to reveal and hyperventilating Virgil. "Good thing I've got my gloves on. Who would want to touch you?" he smiled cruelly. 

**No-one could.**

**Disgusting.**

**Worthless.**

**Replaceable.**

**Unlovable.**

**Trash.**

**Vermin.**

**Burden**. 

"Deceit - Deceit, please, don't, I know - I - I -" Virgil couldn't speak properly, he couldn't even breathe, he was losing his mind, fuck, he can't breathe..

Everything was blurry. Voices screamed in his head. He was too hot, and the blanket was suffocating him. 

Deceit was too close, and it was making Virgil freeze up. 

Deceit's horrible voice was too loud in his ears, but everything was too loud. He screamed. He screamed again, trying to break out of his thoughts.. Deceit, on the other hand, was getting impatient. Perhaps trying something to distract the anxious side would help. A cold gloved hand slammed into Virgil's hoodie and pulled him upright, dislodging all the blankets, then slapped him so hard he stopped his pathetic gasping for air. Cheek stinging, his eyes started to burn with unshed, shameful, weak tears. Being hit was not something he usually reacted well to, but he was pretty used to it, after all. 

"I think you can figure out what to do next, right, little Virgie? Use that stupid little brain of yours, sweetie. Oh, here's a hint." something was placed on his bedside table but Virgil was too frozen in fear to notice. "I wonder how long it will be till they find you? I doubt they'll care enough to look."

 _Oh, god no_. 

"Hurry up, though, Virgie. And remember, I only tell you these things because I know what's good for you." Deceit's hand disappeared from his face and the only thing that told Virgil he'd left was the slight woosh of air as he sank out rapidly. 

Virgil couldn't breathe. His chest was completely frozen, and his mind screamed, but he'd forgotten how to breathe, he didn't know what to do. 

Deceit had left him in a state of pure panic that he couldn't describe. He couldn't breathe, everything was blurry, too bright, too loud, the blankets were trapping his legs, he couldn't move properly. He tried to free himself, and his hands landed on something sharp on the bedside table. 

Whatever it was sliced his fingers, so quickly that it took the blood a couple of seconds to appear. Virgil gasped as he saw the knife, eyesight blurring at the light reflecting off the blade. His hands shook so badly as he picked it up that it nearly fell. 

Deceit - Deceit hadn't left this to - to hurt himself with? Or… Or worse. 

 _No… He doesn't mean… I can't.. Could I_? 

Virgil slashed his arm open. He didn't care. Everything was getting too much and all he wanted was release now, and only the pain could do that. Crimson leaked onto his bedsheets, calming him. Red was a pretty colour.

_Pretty._

_Pretttttttty_. 

 **So. Did your stupid little brain understand what Deceit was telling you to do?**  

Virgil dragged in another ragged breath. He couldn't… 

**But you could.**

**It'd be easy. Easier with this knife, instead of a razor blade. But either would work**.

He.. He couldn't do that to the others.. 

**Would they care? Are you saying you're worth enough for someone to care about you? Scum.**

_I don't want to die_. 

 **Yes, you do. It'd be easier for everyone. And you know how Deceit is when you don't listen to him.**  

 _Shut up_! 

 **No**. 

 _Shut up, shut up_. 

 **You don't deserve to live. I'm just stating facts**. 

 _Who are you? Who are you to tell me that?_  

**I'm your…I'm that little voice who's always right.**

_Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up_. 

**Worthless.**

**Unlovable.**

**Nothing.**

**Not worth a goddamn thing.**

**Not the others fake concern.**

**Not their time.**

**You waste their time.**

**You are a waste.**

**Why don't you finish yourself?**  

Virgil stared at the blade in his hand.

Okay. 

It was time. 

He just hoped the others would be happier for this. He'd do anything to make them happy. He'd...die for them. 

 

 


	6. I'll slip away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vague events, angst.  
> Tw for implied suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. Its been a while since I last posted.  
> Chapter title from goner by tøp  
> I'm so sorry I haven't updated you all, I've just been a lil busy, but I'm just finishing the next chapters now. This is just a filler chapter to say I haven't left you all!  
> WARNING for implied suicide (it's vague though so)  
> -  
> Dark

Roman closed his eyes. They had all tried to summon Virgil, but it was no use. He hadn't left Thomas though, which was a good sign but Roman knew that something was, very, very wrong. 

There was no way Virgil could be safe by himself. 

And it could all be Roman's fault. 

"Please. Verge, just come to me." he whispered as he raised his arm weakly to summon him. 

Nothing happened. 

Nothing. 

Still nothing. 

Nothing would happen. 

Roman began to cry. 

**************************************

Virgil was drifting, lost. 

Everything was blurry, and his entire body hurt, why did it hurt? 

Somehow he was still conscious, but he didn't want to be, because as long as he was conscious, he could think and he didn't want to think. 

Instead, he concentrated on what he could still see. 

Pretty, blurred light everywhere. Coming from his open door. 

But he'd locked it? 

Hadn't he? 

Had he? 

It didn't matter, though. 

 _It's so pretty_. 

The light was getting brighter, until there was a slam. 

An agonised cry came from somewhere, but he didn't know where. 

 _No...please...i locked the door. I know i did._  

A blurry, panicked figure appeared in front of him. 

They were shouting, saying something but Virgil could only make out the scared tone. 

"-gil, Verge, don't you _dare_ die on me! Please, I lo-" 

He lost consciousness.

*********************************

 

 


	7. What an expensive fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW FOR SUICIDE, BLOOD AND ANGST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: anyway so the next chapter will be up in a couple days!  
> The next chapter: * isn't *  
> I might have a fracture in my foot, and I was going to publish this yesterday but I was at the hospital so I couldn't sorry guys!  
> -  
> Dark

"Perhaps it would be wise to check upon Virgil?" Logan suggested cautiously. 

"How? We can't summon him, and he's probably locked himself in his room. And not just with a door lock, blocked us as well. That's possible, you know." Roman said despairingly.

"I'm - I'm sure he - maybe he'd let us in if we made sure he knew we still loved him, and always will?" 

"Maybe, but I don't know if Verge will listen, padre."

"He's got to! I know he's anxiety, but maybe he'd listen to me? I have to try, Roman!" Patton cried. 

"Pat, Virgil is likely very unstable at the moment, and I doubt it would be wise to rush into any course of action. We must think this through very thoroughly."

"And what if it's too late?" Thomas spoke up for the first time. "What - what if Verge's already done something?" he whispered. "What if he's alone, bleeding. While all we do is talk? I'm fed up of waiting!" their host's voice rose to a shout. Roman winced at the idea of Virgil, alone and panicking. 

"Fine! I'll go check on him." Roman snapped. 

"Roman, maybe we should go together."

"Okay, but just - just come on! We're wasting time." he yelled. "Virgil is in danger, Deceit probably followed him and the more he gets hurt, the more we lose him! Please. I can't lose him. I can't." 

Thomas's eyes narrowed. Was there something he had missed between Roman and Virgil? The way he spoke sounded so.. Heartbroken. 

 _It doesn't matter. I'll worry about that later. First, Virgil_.

*************************************

Roman rose up at the end of the corridor where all the sides slept. Or, really, where all their rooms where. 

Virgil's room was at the end, the door a deep vivid purple that Roman had painted for him

The creative side knew the door would most likely be locked, and perhaps Virgil may have barricaded himself inside, but he would get in there no matter what. 

When he tried the door, sure enough, it was locked so he took a deep breath and sank into Virgil's room. 

**********************************

He was met by the smell of pennies. 

It made his stomach turn as he thought of what Virgil could look like now. 

Stumbling, he made it over to the bathroom door and yanked at the handle, kicking it when it didn't open. 

"Open, openopen. Goddammit!" he cried. 

"Roman. Stop. I have a lock pick." Logan placed a hand on his arm, trying to calm the older side slightly. 

"Fucking use it then! What do you think Virgil's done, huh? Because I have a pretty good bloody idea!" 

"Roman. I am doing it now." Logan slotted the pick into the door and there was a click as the door swung open. 

Roman screamed. 

It wasn't a shocked scream, or one of physical pain. It was an agonised howl of horror and fear. 

Virgil was slumped on the floor against the wall, blood everywhere. It spread out in a sickening puddle, soaked into his clothes, caked up and down his arms in great streaks. Crimson liquid was still trickling lazily out of his wrists, which were so covered Roman and Logan couldn't see the cuts properly. 

"Oh, god." he choked.

"Roman, I need you to stay calm and find me medical supplies. Cloths, water.. Bandages. Right now."

Roman didn't answer. He was frozen. Logan gritted his teeth and stood up and slapped the side around the face, hard. 

"Roman. Get me medical supplies right now!" 

Roman jerked back to reality and started to grab everything, clumsily raking through Virgil's cabinets. 

As Logan turned away, he grabbed Virgil's hand. 

"Virgil, don't you dare die on me! I lo-" he choked on his words, unable to finish the sentence. 

 _What if I never get to tell him?_  

 


End file.
